a space for grace.

So many of the high schoolers in One (the High School Ministry) are going to the Dominican Republic in a week. I went on the trip myself when I was in high school at Eastview, and it changed my life. No wonder this year they are taking 112--THAT's RIGHT--112 KIDS! So Drew has had me coming to the meetings left before they leave, which are last Wednesday and last night. They leave Tuesday morning at 4:30 AM!!! and I'll be there with bells on to help with last minute details and send them off. Drew didn't ask me to come but I felt like I wanted to offer, so I did. So I'll be there.

But back to the meeting. I left at 8:30 last night even though the meetings go from 6-9, and I can't really explain why I wanted to leave so badly. I wasn't having a bad time, I hadn't talked to the kids that much because I'd been in a meeting with the adults and then just a small group of High Schoolers that are in Drew's travel team. All I know is the next thing I'm aware of I'm telling one adult (not Chelsea or Charlie or Drew) that I'm going to leave.
I didn't really have a reason, I just wanted to get home and do some things. And I swear I heard this voice in my head--"You should stay and hang out with the kids," even as I was thinking about leaving and hadn't even made it to my car yet. Pretty sure it was the Holy Spirit--I'm getting more sensitive to him and it's both annoying (as my human nature wants to do what I want to do) and amazing, because I know I want to be that aware of him near me that I hear him like that. I guess he just wasn't saying what I wanted to hear. Which makes me even more upset now thinking about it--it was HALF AN HOUR left, and I still left.

When I got home I saw I missed a call from Chelsea about the time I would have left the church. My heart rate picked up immediately- and I had multiple thoughts in a matter of seconds.

1) I didn't tell any of the people who would actually be looking for me/ might have still wanted my help before I left
2) I did this so they wouldn't tell me I couldn't leave
3) Why did I DO THAT? This is stupid.
4) I'm an adult, I can do what I want
5) That was the stupidest thing I've ever thought.
6) I'm responsible to those people!
7) They could have been worried something happened to me! I only told one adult and she might not have told them!
8) I am going to be in trouble and I might deserve it. I didn't have the right to leave and I should have stayed. I know I should have stayed and I still left. EUCH! I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF!!!

After thinking all of this, I text Chelsea and try to be calm-- "Sorry I missed your call," I typed, "what's up?"

As I'm waiting for her to text back, I'm trying hard to focus on the passage I'm reading. This is what it said.

(Jer 10)

23 I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own;
it is not for man to direct his steps.
24 Correct me, LORD, but only with justice—
not in your anger,
lest you reduce me to nothing.

The prayer I wrote to God says this (out of my journal):

"God, I did a stupid thing by leaving early tonight and not telling everyone that I was going, or fearing to ask Drew because I knew I didn't have a good reason and because I wanted to do something stupid with time that really wasn't mine to take.

Like a child who fears she's in trouble, I pray for grace. Only you know what that will ok like or where that will start, but I'll deal with it, always in your mercy- tomorrow.

I'm not a screw-up. But I did do a thoughtless thing and I'm sorry. I pray for mercy, for understanding--I don't know. I don't want to make an excuse but I don't want to be treated like a child. Even if I acted like one...euch...
forgiven and loved. That is still what you say to me."


When Chelsea finally got back to me (25 heart pounding minutes later) she says, "Can't remember what I called about, sorry! See you in the morning!"

BIGGEST SIGH OF RELIEF EVER. They weren't mad, nobody was worried (and there are 112 people at that meeting, so I was neither offended that they didn't notice, but also surprised at God's INCREDIBLE grace in that, STILL...), and it seemed like it wouldn't be brought up, ever. I quickly heard the voice in my head saying "See? You did nothing wrong!" but I shut that down really quickly because I knew that what I had done was not the right thing. God just chose to give me a way out, but even if I had been held accountable for what I had done, which I deserved, it would still be Him finding another way into my heart- speaking to me some sort of truth in love. I realized then that I expected the worst, and that's probably what I deserved. But grace, it's undeserved. All the time.
My life is a series of moments that for one reason or another, God pours grace on me, and pours it on, and pours it on, and pours it on.

Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin....

Amen.